Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Things I Hate

First of all – In addition to some of my standard 'power' words, I also use the c-word in this entry. It’s okay if you want to stop right here. If not, keep reading and feel my rage. Feel it.

1)    Bob Seger. Not a single fucking day passes that I don’t have to turn the radio to escape his throaty wailing. I. Hate. Him.

2)    Shopping for toothbrushes. They’re all soft heads.  What happened to medium? What asshole on earth wants soft head? I’m going to devote the rest of this week to developing a steel wool toothbrush. I’ll post it on Pinterest once I get it professionally photographed. I’ll have bloodied nubs of calcium hanging from my gums by the time I’m done brushing, but I’ll still feel cleaner than I will after brushing with a soft head.

3)    My filter. One, because I’m a fucking riot when I’m angry. Two, because too many people in this world don’t deserve the benefit of my filter.  Some people should be told in clear detail just how much of an asshole I perceive them to be.

4)    Fox News. I watched it accidentally tonight (which is to say, the remote grew legs after 7 pm, so I didn’t have the means to change the channel after Glee) and Robin Robinson (Yes. That is her stupid, stupid name.) went on this rant about how there is no Santa.

What a cunt.

Not only did she go on ‘there’s no such thing’ rant, but she did it while my 8-year old son – who still believes – came running out front to tell us the score of the Blackhawks game. That little turd was supposed to be in his room sleeping; instead he was in ours, watching a hockey game (now we know where the remote went). Technically, I guess we’re bad parents for not getting out the Joan Crawford straps to keep him in his bed, but I still think Robin Robinson, Fox News Chicago, should be fired. Seriously. If I was in charge of the evening news, her ass would be in a sling.

I don’t think my little guy heard her. We were too busy yelling for him to get his ass back in bed (his bed) for him to focus on her nonsense.

5)    Glee. Remember when it first came out and it was dark and there were funny blow job references? I don’t either. It’s been two years of tired plots. I’d like the blow job references again, please.

6)    Having just one remote for two TVs.  My kids drop TV remotes nothing less than 40 times every millisecond. I went to buy a new one at Target today (our third this year, I believe) and they were all $50 and $80. WTF? I’m perfectly content to just scream across the condo until someone finds the remote and brings it to me. Preferably, with a beverage of my choosing.

7)    People that mispronounce bruschetta. Say it with me: brew-skay-tuh. Can’t say it? Shouldn’t order it. Shouldn't eat it.

8)    The douchebag that doesn’t wear shoes on “Dual Survival” so he can strengthen his mitochondria. I bet he’s big fun at a party, throwing around his great big mitochondria in front of all the ladies.

9)    Stupid names. Or the stupid spelling of a normal name. The name Brayleee doesn’t exist in nature. It sounds like a good name for a whore. Oh! Brayleee is a boy? Good god damn luck with that, friend.

10)  Hallmark Channel. They’re playing Christmas movies 24/7 now.  I have NOTHING to turn to when I’m awake from 1 to 4 am.: No Frasier. No Golden Girls. No Cheers. No Frasier again. And likely, someone has taken the remote from the bedroom back to the living room while I was asleep between 11 pm and 1 am. S. O. L.

Again.

Signing off,
Tracy Tracyman

3 comments:

  1. someone named kymberli just repinned something i repinned on pinterest.kymberli. really?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I hate all of those things, too. Except for Bob Seger. It's one of my vices. Which is not to say that Bob Seger is a hobby of mine or something, or that I even like all of his songs or that I think he is talented in any way. The answer to all three of those statements is a no.

    I only like "Hollywood Nights," "Against The Wind" and "Turn the Page," but only because they make me think of my first love, kind of like that old dude in Death in Venice if you're familiar with that, or not, if you're not.

    Anyway, I guess we can't all be perfect.

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  3. Wag -- I'm not going to find out you're the Prez of a Unsanctioned Bob Seger Fan Club, am I?

    Also, for what it is worth (and don't watch if your kids are standing behind you or still awake and within earshot):

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2068808/News-anchor-forced-apologise-saying-theres-Santa-live-air.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

    ReplyDelete