Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Naked (Not by David Sedaris)

I think writing is like having a stranger see you naked.

It's totally terrifying. 

You're vulnerable. Totally out there. Exposed. Uncovered. Expecting judgement. 

This week, writing-wise, I've pretty much shown my goodies to everyone.

The Week in Nakedness (A Recap):

Thing One worked out well. The client was happy. The client wants to pay me.  Thing One was a challenge that I've never taken on before, so I'm happy I was able to make it work.

Thing Two is in progress. I've gotten naked for Thing Two (metaphorically) before, so there isn't any anxiety there. It's really just a matter of getting it done.

Thing Three was a pain in the ass to write. Husband reviewed it and thought it was fine. Committee member read it and liked it, with a minor tweak. Crossing Thing Three off my list was like, I'm guessing, what it feels like to lose a lot of weight. 

Thing Four, well, I'm still hanging out, all exposed and whatnot, with Thing Four

Thing Four is related to Thing Two, so it's not like total nakedness. It's more like weird locker room nakedness. Not weird like Pierced Nipple Woman Who Won't Put On Her Shirt*, or Snake Ass** or I Just Pooped in the Bathroom Stall But I Still Haven't Put My Underpants On Woman***, but weird like, I can see you're naked, but I'm still working really hard on having a normal conversation with you without looking like I'm aware that you're naked nor acting like I'm totally freaked out by naked (which I am).  That kind of weird.

Thing Four is for a friend and I want what I'm doing for her to be really excellent. I took a chance with how I wrote this piece for her (and forced myself to not write it like I was conversing with the cat) and it's possible that it won't fly. And that is okay. But the anticipation is killing my naked self, and it's cold out, so everyone can see that my turkey is done.

I need a sweater. And a new metaphor.

* Pierced Nipple Woman Who Won't Put On Her Shirt spent an abnormal amount of time naked from the waist up in the locker room of my local gym. In the final hours of her abnormal nakedness, I watched her fix her hair while her shirt was on, but she had it hiked up so that her bejeweled tits could hang out. Her boobies had ample time to dry, so this wasn't an issue with ruining a good blouse. I think she was just really proud of them. Weird naked.

** Snake Ass -- I haven't seen her yet, but I get this example of weird naked from a reliable source who claims that Snake Ass has a tattoo that is placed so it looks like a snake is slithering out of her ass. Weird naked. And bad idea for ink. And awkward tattooing session for that tattooist, I'm sure.

*** I Just Pooped**** in the Bathroom Stall But I Still Haven't Put My Underpants On Woman is still the weirdest and dirtiest of weird naked I've yet to experience. She came out of the stall wearing a bra and shirt with NOTHING on from the waist down. There should always be something covering your no-no bits when you come out of the bathroom stall -- that's just dirty-gross.

**** I have no confirmation that the woman actually pooped, but I'll assume she did, since I'm in the mood to assume the worst of everyone right now.


  1. 1) Fifteen uses of the word "Naked" or a variety thereof - The hits you're going to get from this are going to be amazing.

    2) If there is any writing that you do and you get paid for it, you have my eternal envy. (It's a dream of mine.) Please don't start charging for the blog, because having to choose between this place or coffee would be difficult.

    3) Don't change the metaphor - "My turkey is done." is perfect. Made me laugh in public again - it was worth the looks. Your writing style is always impressive.

    4) I kinda want to hang out at your gym.. (Except for Poop Woman - that's just creepy.)

    5) I totally agree with the naked analogy - although it does make me sound like a verbal exibitionist. (Which, I guess I am.)

  2. 1) I'll be happy if "Geddy's Vagina" and "Vagina Biter" and "Hello Kitty Popcorn" get bumped by Naked. I'm totally okay with that.

    2) I sort of do a half-assed job of being a part-time, self-employed marketing consultant, so I sometimes get gigs where I write newsletter and web content and/or sponsorship letters/pitches. I like writing.

    4) Just factor in that most of these women are in their mid-60s to mid-100s (It's a YMCA) (not pierced boob woman -- she was in her late 20s). So it's not 'hot' naked. Trust me...