Saturday, December 10, 2011

Red Wine and Eggnog

I have written "Red Wine and Eggnog" three different times -- all ending with the same result: sad drunks destroying Christmas with their booziness. And it really, really wasn't like that at all.

So, I'm going to tell it as if I was having one of my 'conversations' with the cat.  This will take the emphasis off the boozin' and put a new emphasis on the creepy monologues I frequently have with my cat. Husband has spent 15 years listening to me engage with Boyish* -- it still freaks him out. He's not as freaked out about what I say, but the voice I say it in (I evidently have a 'cat' voice when I talk to Boy-o). 

Readers, you'll get the words, without the voice. Husband will tell you you're lucky.

Get ready, Midlife Rambler. Things will never be the same.

Let's go get the Daddy. Let's go get the Daddy at work and buy a tree. Do you want a tree? You want a tree! Of course The Boy wants a tree. Boys love the trees, don't they? They smell so good, those trees. Mommy is going to get her Boy a tree. We're getting Boy a tree. Kiss Mommy. Kiss Mommy. Mommy is going to get her Boy a tree. Kiss me.

What should we eat tonight, Boyish? We have no food and Boyish is so hungry. Momma will stop at the store for her Boy and get him some food. Does he want the food? Does The Boy want the food? Mommy is going to buy The Boy some food. Poor Boy.

Who wants the food? Boy wants the food! Boyish wants the food. Okay, Boyish. Okay, Boylove. Momma will buy you some eggnog, red wine, cheese sticks, panko bread crumbs and a box of Blackhawks' promotional Kleenex at the fancy store in the suburbs near Daddy's school. Only the best for The Boy. 

Who's The Boy? Who's The Boy? Who's Mommy's Boy?

Boyish -- we're so hangry! We can't untie that tree and drag it up three flights of stairs because we're too hangry! Are you hangry? Are you hangry too? It's so hard to be hangry, isn't it, Boy? Poor Boy. No thumbs. No thumbs-Boy. Can't take care of himself when he's hangry. And he's So. Damn. Hangry, isn't he? Poor, hangry Boy. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. I love the hangry, thumbless Boy.

Let's make the dinner, Boy. Oh yes, let's make you some dinner and feed your hungry belly so you aren't hangry. Your belly is so big. It's so big. You've got the biggest belly ever. Let's fill it with red wine, Boy. Yes. Yes. I said let's fill that big Boy belly with red wine. Isn't it so nice to drink the red wine with the Daddy while we're making the dinner? Isn't it so nice, Boy?

We love the Daddy. Oh, we miss the Daddy, too. Do you miss the Daddy? Of course you miss the Daddy. You love the Daddy so much. He's your favorite isn't he? Yes he is, you little fucker. I've been cleaning your shit box for 15 years and Daddy hasn't bothered to pick up a single God Damn turd but Oh, you love the Daddy! He's your Daddy! You love him! You love him so much because he's your Daddy!  Remember the time Daddy fed you, Boy? Remember that? You don't? Oh...because Mommy is the one that always feeds your fat ass! Is that right? Is Mommy always the one that feeds your fat ass and picks up your wayward turds because you're too fucking old to always go in the box? Yes she is! Yes she is, Boy. And I love you. I love The Boy.

Do you love the Mommy?

Have some red wine, Boy. Have some more red wine with your dinner, Big Boy. It's so good, isn't it? It's so good!

Red wine is ALL. GONE. What are we going to do, Boyish? What is a Mommy and a Daddy to do when all the red wine is gone? What should we do, Boyish? We drank it! We drank the wine. Poor Boy. Boy wanted more wine. Would Boy like some nog? Yes? Boy would like some nog? Oh, Daddy! Boyish wants some nog. Let's get the nog. Let's get the nog. Let's get the nog.

Daddy, Boy wants the nog. Boy wants the nog with Sailor Jerry. And what do we do for Boy? WHATEVER HE WANTS! Because he's a Boy. He's a boy without thumbs! He's a thumbless, lazy, shitting bastard and he wants the nog. Give the boy some nog. Give it to him. Give the Boy some nog.

The Boy wants to have another Polar Plunge Party this year, Daddy. Boyish wants a party. Let's give The Boy a party. He wants to make the list Daddy. But he hasn't got thumbs! BOYISH DOESN'T HAVE THE THUMBS SO HE CAN'T MAKE THE LIST! Ooooohhhh he's a poor, thumbless son-of-a-bitch that can't hold a pencil. We'll make the list for The Boy. We'll make the list for the Boy. Boy... we'll make the list. Who should we invite, Boy? Who should we invite? Boy? Boy? Are you still listening? Are you listening to Mommy? Are you listening to the Mommy and the Daddy?


Okay. We'll invite 143 people. What a good idea, Boy! A guest list of 143 people for a 2,200 square foot apartment makes so much sense. Boy, you are wise. You are a wise and noble boy, Boy. Love Mommy, you wise little man. Give Mommy the kisses and she'll have a party. Give Mommy the kisses, Boy. Mommy needs love. Love me, Boy. Love me.

Boyish. Boyish! Mommy is drunk. Mommy had too much red wine and too much egg nog. Boyish. Boyish? Will you come to bed with the Mommy? She doesn't feel so good. Mommy needs your comforting touch. Please, Boyish? Please? Mommy is dizzy. Mommy hates being dizzy. You know who also doesn't like to be dizzy?


C'mon Boyish, Love me. Love Mommy. She doesn't feel well. Love her. Love her. Love her. Mommy needs Boy love!


Next day:

Boyish! Boyish! How'd that 7 foot tall Christmas tree get up here? Where'd that tree come from, Boy? Where'd that tree come from? How'd that get here, Boyish? Boy? Did Daddy bring it upstairs? Did you help the Daddy? Did you help the Daddy with the tree? Did you? Did you, Boy? Did you help the Daddy bring the tree up three flights of curvy stairs? No? No? You didn't? You didn't help the Daddy? He did that all on his own? Poor Daddy, Boy. Poor Daddy.

Boyish? Why didn't you help the Daddy? Why didn't you help the Daddy with the tree?

No thumbs? Poor Boy! Poor Boy doesn't have the thumbs so he can't help the Daddy. Poor Boy. Oh, to have the thumbs. What would you do with thumbs, Boy? What would you do? Tell Mommy, what would you do with the thumbs?

Tell Mommy about your thumbs. Tell her. Tell her.

Was Daddy okay, Boy? Was Daddy okay? He what? What did you say, Boyish? Boy? Boyish? What? He almost fell twice and he nearly threw up at the top of the stairs?! Oh, that Daddy! That crazy, crazy Daddy! Did you love Daddy, Boy? Did you give him Boy love once he caught his breath? Did you give Daddy a little Boy session? Some Boy Love? Some lovin' that only a Boy can give a Dad that just carried a 7 foot tree up three flights of stairs? That kind of love?



Do you love mommy? Do you love mommy, Boy? Who loves the Momma? Is it Boy? Is it Boy???

Boyish ... Why didn't you put water int he tree? That tree has no water in the stand! What if the tree dies, Boy?? What if our tree dies and The Boy doesn't have a tree. Oh! Sadness! No tree for the Boy! No. Tree. For. The. Boy. What will he do??? Where is the water, Boy? Where is the water? Where is the water, Boy?

Okay, Boyish. One minute. Mommy's gonna dance with this 7 foot tall tree until she can get it out of the middle of the living room to the spot it belongs in. Oh, that Daddy is so bad! He's so bad! Why'd he leave the tree in the middle of the room? You don't know, Boy? You don't know? I don't know either! But Mommy is going to put it where it belongs so Boyish can take a nice nap behind the tree. Because he's The Boy and he deserves a nap!

Calm down, Boy. I won't let it die. I'll crawl under the tree with the pitcher and let these nasty branches scratch my head and my eyes. But we'll get this tree watered for you, Boy. We'll do it. The Boy wants the water in the tree stand so the Momma will put the water in the tree stand for The Boy. Why? Because he's The Boy!

Who loves the Momma? Boy? Is it The Boy?


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*The cat's real name is Raoul.  We have about a dozen nicknames for him, with Boy, Boy-o and Boyish being the three of which he is most likely to respond.


  1. 1) I swear I can hear the voice.
    2) We should be thankful cats don't have thumbs. If they did, the consequences would be both fantastic and disturbing.
    3) Kids are the same as cats - I do 1/4th of the day to day stuff for them that the Wife does, yet I'm greeted like a celebrity the minute I walk through the door.
    4) Started reading the post on my phone - had to stop because I was laughing out loud in public and people were looking. Spectacular job.
    5) With the right mix of Red Wine and Eggnog, you might hear the cat talk back.

    I think I'll have some wine tonight..



    Told you it would be disturbing.

  3. The image of the cat filing his nails has traumatized me.