Sunday, December 4, 2011

Stilettos

This weekend wasn't exactly what I thought it would be. As it turned out, both kids have projects due on Monday. My patience is almost depleted, the handle of Jack that we bought two weeks ago is dwindling and I have major hot glue blisters on three of my 10 fingers.  Upside: Husband and I are definitely going to pass 2nd and 5th grade.

At some point, I managed to wrestle the computer out of my daughter's hands so I could do some 'light' searches on Pinterest: I'm trying to build out all of my Boards. So I typed in the word "stilettos" in the search bar.

I love high heels. I mean, I LOVE high heels. The higher the better. A few  pair of my stilettos walk -- or stagger --  the line of the world of fetish. I like 'em high and I prefer them with ankle straps. Truth be told, I love what a high heel does for a leg, and all God gave me were legs. I got totally cheated in the tits department, but he gaves me the gams.

Husband doesn't share my love of the high heels.

In fact, most of my shoes intimidate him. 

"Are you wearing those?" he asks me.

I think some of it is that when I'm not in shoes, Husband is about an inch taller than me. When I'm stiletto'd up, I tower over him.  Anyway, he is no more turned on when I'm in a pair of 5" heels than when he sees me in a crusty pair of Uggs or my trainers. 

He has never asked me to leave the shoes on.

So...Pinterest/Stilettos ... pictures of high heels appear.  And seeing what others are pinning by way of the stilettos, I've got some thoughts I'd like to share:
  • If owning a pair of shoes that showcase a tube of lipstick or a mock martini or the Eiffel Tower for a heel are on your lists of wants, you're probably an asshole.
  • 7-3/4 inch acrylic heels don't make you hotter; they are a giant red flag that you've recently contracted The Clap.
  • Wearing Hello Kitty, glittered stilettos doesn't make you cute, or ironic or fashion forward: it makes sane adults want to throw their feces at your head. 
  • If you are spending time gluing Legos or buttons or googly eyes to your stilettos, two things are clear: A) You have never been, nor will you ever get, laid and B) Maybe it's time we put out a strict application/approval process for buying glue guns because clearly, they aren't safe in everyone's hands.
  • High-heeled sneakers are the dumbest fucking creation ever. Donald Fagan be damned, the high-heeled sneaker is bad fashion. Nike: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.  Just don't do it.
Ladies -- it is our God-given right to enhance a gently-defined calf by lifting our heel off the ground by 4 or 5 inches. In those purchased 4 or 5 inches, we have adapted mad-skills to float effortlessly across a room - martini in hand - while blood is pooling in the toe-box of our suede platform stilettos. When we're 70, we will spend our limited, out-of-pocket dollars to  have the necessary corrective surgery  to turn our from-years-of-wearing-stilettos-hoofs back into feet so we can jam them into our Dansko clogs (insert shudder here) when we take a trip into the City to see our grandkids.

But if we are going to suffer now, let's make it worthwhile. Don't buy bad shoes. Don't pin them on your boards. 

Take the power back.

So you're a serious crafter? Your shoes shouldn't have to suffer. Wear normal stilettos sans your crafty adornments on your next 'Girls Night Out' and lure a new, horny friend home with you. Let him deal with your super special craft corner the morning after.

It's okay that you dream of going to France, but don't let your shoes give that away. Shoes shouldn't be snooty prigs.

Maybe you love Hello Kitty. You know what? Grow the fuck up. Find a therapist and figure out just what tragedy occurred during your formative years that has kept you suspended in the mystical world of an 8-year girl. You aren't a kid at heart. You're damaged goods. People see that head-bowed Kitty and want to take advantage of you AND mock you severely.

This is a perfectly acceptable stiletto. 



These are not.


A pop of color. Nice.

Look, I'm not that spiritual, but couldn't shit like this send you straight to Hell?


I hope you get your Hello Kitty heel stuck in a sewer grate. And then I hope a car hits you.  Bye-bye, Kitty.


Classic updated Mary Jane. Audrey would be proud to wear them.






5 comments:

  1. Quick correction. THe plaid stiletto is perfect -- except for that metal jack or whatever that I just now noticed in the bow. Pull off that doo-dad and it's a perfectly acceptable stiletto.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am a huge fan of the stiletto - the way it accents the leg, the height, etc. A womans calf muscle becomes something magical in the right heels.

    My Wife is like your Husband - I would have more luck asking her to spend the night in an Iron Maiden than a pair of heels.

    Alas, that is the cross I must bear.

    As for Hello Kitty? I don't get it either - but as a man, I would stay faaaar away from anyone in those shoes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. As a stiletto professional I would have to disagree with both statements unless you are (an no offense to) a 40yr old virgin model with a figure less body and gothic hair that plaid stiletto is not only tasteless, unreformed, immature in a weird catholic schoolgirl kinda way but it is actually very poorly constructed and horribly designed it screams fashion less and looks as if to have been created in a lonely cat woman's basement. I myself am not into nor do i think that character stilettos are classy but that particular hello kitty shoe has a red bottom statement it's bold, indifferent, classy and fun. but as a person of high class fashion I also believe that unless you understand the world of fashion or are at least a fashion editor your option (YES YOURS) should be your own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you a fashion editor, Anonymous?

      Delete
  4. Ill stab you with a hello kitty heel :D

    ReplyDelete