Thursday, December 22, 2011

Tits and Hair

I'm on the fence about what bugs me the most about Beth Chapman: her tits or her hair.

I'm going to say this first, just in case Dog's wife is a litigious woman:  I think she has some pretty features, particularly her very dark eyes. I think that when she isn't made up, she is actually quite cute. She also seems to have a kind and generous heart. 

A kind and generous heart that is buried under 40 lbs of tit.

I don't get it. I don't get why men find that attractive and why women will endure augmentation to get boobs that big. 

What does The Dog do with all that tit? Does he bench press them? Does he roll underneath them for shelter during tropical rainstorms? Does he keep an alternate Bounty Hunter badge in 'em, just in case?

This isn't jealousy either. I've come to terms with my own lack of jugs. And if I had the extra $10k just sitting around the house, I'd consider augmentation, too. 

I would LOVE to fill a B cup. 

I had a brief experience with B's after the kids were born, but they leaked milk. B's are less awesome when they smell like sour dairy products.

Beth, your boobies are too big. You'd be able to run much faster on your bounties if you had your girls en-smallened. And should you take this advice, while you're flat on your back, recovering from surgery, let's make some decisions about the hair, too, shall we?

The hair is over-processed and over-sized. It is the Big Gulp of the hair world. No one needs 48 ounces of soda in one sitting and no one needs hair that big. Not even in the 80s should hair be that big.

Between Beth and Dog, I find myself forgetting about the criminals they're chasing and wondering what the drains of their sinks and tubs must look like. Can you imagine having to pull out fistfuls of matted, wet, bleached hair with a wire coat hanger every two days just to keep the water from swelling to your ankles during a shower?

Yikes.

While tits and hair certainly bug me, what bugs me even more is Husband's need to ask me questions about the Chapmans during the show, as if I'm some kind of Dog aficionado. 

Yes, I did sit in a chair last January and knit an entire sock while watching a Dog marathon. 

Yes, the kids may have Netflixed a few episodes when we first got the Wii. 

Yes, I may have Googled Leland Chapman because I think he's kind of hot.

But I don't know everything about the show. I don't know how long it has been on. I don't know who Barbara is. I don't know when Baby Lyssa was pregnant. I don't know why Baby Lyssa is crying on the trailers for the new episodes. I don't know. I don't know. I don't. know.*

So please stop talking so I can focus on tits and hair and clogged drains, please.

* I do know. I mean, I didn't when he asked me, but I looked it all up later. Barbara is one of Dog's daughter's that was killed in a car accident at age 23 in Alaska, just two days before Dog and Beth got married. Baby Lyssa gave birth to her first baby at age 15. She has a daughter to the guy she married in Oahu. She's crying because she was arrested for some kind of criminal activity against the guy she married in Oahu (he evidently was physically abusive to her, so Baby Lyssa is still okay in my book).







2 comments:

  1. Having only seen a few episodes of Dog, I can only say it suffers from "Toomuchitis" - too much black (clothing) to much hair, too much use of the word "Brah", and yes, too much tits.

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  2. OMG, this was so funny. Watching that show will never be the same for me.

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