Monday, January 23, 2012

I Love Dog

And here’s why:

The whole family is likeable. 

That’s it.  That’s why I love Dog and his kooky family of bounty hunters.

Despite the horrific hair and bad outfits (a little camouflage goes a long way, Chapman clan), they’re likeable people. Or, at least, they aren’t un-likeable. They want to get the bad guy, and give him a chance to be better.  It’s a little heavy-handed at times, particularly that car ride from the site where they cuff the fugitive all the way to the jail while Dog goes on and on (and on and on some more) about Mercy and whatnot, but all-in-all, minus the soap box, they’re trying to do right.

They also say a lot of silly, silly shit.

What? You aren’t a fan? Here’s a sample of what they say, and my interpretation of what it means. Or what it was supposed to mean.

Dog: “He’s a Chapman gone array.”

TTT: He meant, awry, I think. Unless there were a bunch of Chapman’s standing in a row. He’s fathered 12 kids, so, a bunch of ‘em in a row is not improbable. Especially if there is a big clearance sale at the Under Armour store.

Duane Lee: “I got on the text machine.” 

TTT: It’s a phone, Duane Lee. Don’t overthink it. Go do some arm curls and calm down.

Beth: “Everyone! Get in their perspective cars.”

TTT: It’s respective, Beth. Respective. But you know what? You’re close enough and I don’t want you to break an acrylic in my eyeball, so if you want everyone in their perspective cars, I’m okay with that.  They’ll figure it out.

Someone already pissed h
Dog: “Cuff her, Leland, so I can piss her.” 

TTT: That’s actual bounty talk which loosely translates to, “Your urine needs to be tested, because you’ve jumped bail on drug –related charges and I’m suspicious that you’re presently tweaked out on ice.”

It’s awkward. But once the world started using the word “friend” (as in “I will friend her”) and "gift" (as in “I will gift her,”) as verbs, I guess piss just came along for the ride.

Gifter: “I will gift my friend by pissing her.”
Giftee: "Oh! I'm sorry I was already pissed by Dog. I do appreciate your attempt at gifting me, though, bra."

Beth: “You can take it out of my paycheck, Big Daddy.”

TTT: Beth said this as she ran away from Dog after putting a big ding in the bumper of Dog’s GMC while apprehending a fugitive.  It’s funny because anyone who has watched the show knows that Dog might catch the fugitives, but Beth keeps that business running. 

Youngblood: "I couldn't have my old lady bounty hunting with me for no reason whatsoever."
TTT: Youngblood likes his womens to stay at home, shoeless and with child while he hunts and gathers the fugitives.

Dog: “She looks like an angel dead.”

TTT: Dog was referring to the sci-fi portrait of his deceased daughter, Barbara Kate, which was made by either a family friend, or a fan.  I think Dog meant to pause in between the words ‘angel’ and ‘dead’ (like, “She looks like an angel (comma) dead” – and that would have made a little (damn little) more sense – but he didn’t.  No pause. Just, “She looks like an angel dead.”

{insert defeated shrug here}

Dog: “It’s a trailer court. Not the Taj Mahal.” 

TTT: A fugitive was pretty upset about what his neighbors were going to say after Dog, Leland, Justin and Youngblood all jumped him in the gravel-ly space that I think was considered the front yard. Dog keeps it reals, yo.

Say what you will, but they always give the fugitive a fresh cigarette, a bottle of water and sometimes, they'll buy 'em a burger and a milkshake before they turn them in. How could you not like someone who gave you some smokes and a shake hours before your first cornholing in Halawa?

I love Dog. I'm on episode 13 of Season 1, which I only started around 6:30 pm. 

Dog: "Stay away from whores. I mean that."
TTT: It is what it is.

Cool, yeah?


  1. OK, so the whole "I will piss her" thing makes me just go all watersports, and I am not into watersports. Yet. Or anything. But am I the only person who can be shopping anywhere and see the aisle marker "Watersports" and not laugh my ass off?

  2. Damn - you keep writing about this guy and eventually I'm going to have to watch a whole show - I tried once, but got scared when I saw Beth's nails...

  3. i could be crying out for an intervention here. :)

    also, had i stayed up four more hours (i bailed at 1 am), i could have written about season two, where the term, "Lelandisms" is introduced.

    wag -- you can't possibly be the only one.