Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Aqua Jogging

Aqua jogging is the stupidest fucking thing ever.

Really. It is.

I just spent 40 minutes aqua jogging in lane 6 at the Y. I don't actually know if I was aqua jogging for sure.  I was in water,  so I guess that accounts for the aqua part. As for jogging? Hmmm... I was moving my legs and doing something extraordinarily wild with my arms to try and run/pull/kick my way from the mid-point of the pool, where I can't touch, to the deep end. 

Aqua jogging.

My workout was a 10 min EZ warm up, 10 x 1 min Hard/1 min EZ and then a 10 min EZ cool down.  

There is no differentiation between my EZ and my hard. I was either thrashing my way in a barely perceptible forward motion, or I let my snazzy weighted water belt naturally turn me on my stomach for a dead man's float.   That's what it does: It makes you fall forward.

The water belt, a size small, wasn't small enough for me. I don't know if the typical aqua jogger has a big gut or giant boobs, but my belt kept slipping up. The first 20 minutes of my run, it was resting under my arm pits and pushing me forward in an unnatural way. The entire time, the plastic attachment to the belt - much like the kind you find in restaurant high chairs, was cutting into my ribs. I couldn't make the belt stay around my waist, no matter how tight I cinched it. So I lurched forward and did the best I could do until my 40-minute sentence was over.

I'm glad I either didn't know about the shoes, or they weren't available at our Y. Because that shit wasn't going to happen regardless. I didn't use the weights, either.

I hated it. I hated every minute of it. In addition to the physical discomfort of the belt and not really knowing if I was doing it right or not, at the end of 40 minutes, it didn't feel like I had completed any kind of workout, which is a strong indicator that I wasn't doing it right.

How can you run when your feet aren't touching anything? Isn't that treading water?

I watched a video and everything. 

Fuckin' aqua jogging.

How I really feel about it:

1)  The person who invented aqua jogging is a jerk.
2)  Aqua jogging is stupid.
3)  Aqua jogging is bad for my spirit.
4)  Aqua jogging makes me crave a good long swim with lots of big gulps of filthy poison water.
5)  I hate aqua jogging.
6)  I could not aqua jog to the end of a pool if naked Eddie Vedder, naked Leland Chapman, naked Patrick Sharp or naked Jason Schwartzman were at the opposite end, cheering me on with their hot nakedness, a bottle of Jack Daniels, two dozen oysters on the half and some high quality yarn.
7)  Aqua jogging makes me want to cry (and I started to at minute 11), even though I've been out of the pool for a full hour.
8) I am done with aqua jogging.
9) I would prefer sliding naked down a banister of razor blades* than to ever aqua jog  again.
10) The best thing about aqua jogging today was that I got a great, legal and unmetered parking space directly in front of the Y.

I would like to binge drink right now. 

Madison, I'm sorry I was a bitch when you stopped by. It was the aqua jogging, not you.

* Gilmore Girls reference


  1. This cracked me up!
    I am really not good in water. I can swim but nothing fancy, more like a dog paddle. For some reason I thought aqua jogging was running in the pool, but with your feet touching....what you are describing sounds hard! I am sure I wouldn't be good at it, and have the same complications as you!

    I wonder if they have aqua jogging classes?

    At least it keeps the pressure off your foot...but sounds like hell!

  2. It is SO hard to run when there is no ground!!! I felt like a dog on linoleum.

    My coach checked in with me this afternoon (she knew I was dreading this workout) and said it's a 'learned' skill. I think she was happy that I stuck it out for the full 40, even though I had my "kill" face on the entire time.

    Thank God for my Snickers stash in my knitting bag!!

  3. Proven Fact: Aqua Jogging was a form of punishment in ancient Greece.*

    I laughed my ass off at "High Quality Yarn" - Jack and Yarn sounds like an outrageous weekend - I'm sure incredible sweaters would be made.

    Good job sticking with it!

    * I have no way to back up this statement.

  4. Incredible, three-armed sweaters. :)Hell, I'm sure the Y would shut down all the naked hotness if they saw the raw oysters on deck.



  5. Sounds like the belt needs a crotch strap - like on kiddie life jackets. Too bad you can't "modify" one of the Y's belts! But doesn't matter now. Aqua jogging sounds awful.