Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Weird, Dog. Weird.

I've been getting so excited about long runs and new business opportunities, that I've been ignoring one of my true passions:

Dog the Bounty Hunter.

After an unsuccessful attempt on Aguirre (the ruthless treadmill known to others as #11) due to some extraordinary ankle/heel pain, I came home, plopped on the couch, surrounded my left foot in a considerable amount of ice packs and committed to nothing serious for about 60 minutes. 

Dog time!

I'm on Season 7 now.  It's all the same format. They identify the bad guy, pursue the bad guy, call the bad guy awful names and then they try to convert the bad guy to the right side of the law as they take his ass to jail. Every episode. That's what happens.

Dog had some awesome dialogue (diaDogue?) today. They're looking for a giant d-bag named Tyler. He missed his court date and is hiding. 

They catch the 19-year old Tyler pretty quickly. Tyler is doing his best to appear thug-like and is dressed in a white wife beater tee that reveals a chest full of bad tattoos (Bad as in ghetto lame and poorly drawn).  The most prominently placed tattoo reads "Money Over Bitches."

Dog is hopeful that he and his family can scare this 19-year old straight. So Dog goes Old Skool/Hard ASS on him.  Here's how it plays out:

(The capture has been made. Dog enters scene.)

Dog: Guns and bullets? You a tough ass? Money Over Girls? Unbelievable. Where you learn that shit at?

Tyler: (says nothing; appears shocked and afraid.)

Dog: You meet some real guns and bullets, brotha..

Tyler: (sheepishly) It's just tattoos man

Dog: What does that mean?

Tyler: My dude just gave me a free tattoo.

Dog: I want you to take a soap and rag and scrub that thing off right now, man, because I don't like it.  You don't live around me and have that tattooed all over your ass. What do you got on your ass? Hair?

Tyler: (appears confused. rightfully so. why does Dog want to know what's on his ass?) Hair.

Dog: You better hope you have a lot, because you going to jail. I need a rag and a bar of soap.

(End Scene)

The car ride proves to be equally hilarious and possibly more awkward than the ass hair conversation.  Tyler is sitting between Dog and Leland. Duane Lee is driving.

Dog is really having a hard time understanding why this kid has bullets and revolvers tatttoed on his chest and shoulders. I mean, Dog just can't wrap his brain around why this kid, who has served one day in prison, thinks he's so gangsta. Dog and Leland are grilling this kid about the ink, all the while the towel and soap that Dog has given him to scrub off the tattoo is resting on his handcuffed hands. 

Tyler maintains that he got the guns because his friend does a free tattoos.

And then Leland steps in.

Leland: What happens if you get older and you don't like that kind of stuff?

Leland doesn't say much, but when he does, he's a straight shooter, friends. Any 75-year old grandmother would have posed the exact same question.

More questioning of Tyler ensues, but this time, the focus is on why he's 1/2 credit short of his high school degree.

Duane Lee: You didn't graduate from high school! You're 19 years old! What the fuck is your plans?


Duane Lee - also a few credits shy of his high school degree - nailed it:  What the fuck IS your plans? You could owns the world if you just finished that 1/2 credit 'n shit.

I don't know. If I was in Tyler's situation and Dog asked if I had hair on my ass, I would have clenched up so tight that I would have turned myself inside out at the butthole. As a Dog aficionado, I've gotten to be fairly good at translating Dog to English. But I can't tell you where he was going with the "Do you have hair on your ass" comment. I just can't figure that one out.

And as far as Leland and Duane Lee go, doling out advice on appropriate tattoos and high school competencies, well, yikes, guys. There's something about the pots calling the kettles black on that one.

I'm fearful that I'm going to finish Season 7 tonight. Which means I'll only have Dog Days (how we refer to Wednesday's at my house) to enjoy. Unless I just start the whole process at Season 1 again.


  1. "Hair on your ass" is puzzling - I was going to Google it to see if it was some sort of slang, but decided against it - some results you just don't want to see.

    I believe Leland's statement is incredibly valid, and one I've asked myself (and will continue to ask) every time I've contemplated getting a tattoo.

    I'm going to go get a mirror now - if it turns out hair on your ass is an important quality, I want to know where I stand...

  2. You know I loves me some Leland, right? But he has a tramp stamp. Once you get the man tramp stamp, well, you lose your credentials to advise others on tattoo designs and locations.

    But Leland is still hot. Tramp stamp and all.