Saturday, May 12, 2012

The Post Where I Insult a 7-Year-Old

Two days ago, I stopped at the grocery store before picking my kids up at school. Although I didn't have more than 12 items on my shopping list, it's always easier and faster to handle that task without the kids.

With only two lanes open, I picked the lane with the young cashier in an attempt to avoid the 50-something under/over-medicated chatterbox that just drains my energy every time  I end up in his line.  Hint to the 50-something cashier: The not-so-funny joke you told me four years ago has not gotten funnier with time.

In line with the young dude, with about 3 items scanned, he asks me, "Are you on break?"


Ah, yes. Summer break. It always looks like this.
I didn't know what he meant by 'break,' So I told him I was just getting groceries before I picked my kids up from school. Nothing clever there: that was exactly what I was doing.

Then he said he just started his break two weeks ago, and I understood what he meant. He had started his summer break from college. He was in college and on break.   

O.M.G. ... did he think I was in college, too?

I'm writing this on May 12th ... exactly one month away from my 40th birthday.  It's been a long damn time since someone asked me if I was on 'break'.  While I don't think I necessarily look 40, I sure as hell don't think I look like I could be on 'break'.  Regardless, his bumbling compliment gave me a little ego boost and took my mind off the jackass that had exposed himself to me in the alley outside of my garage 20 minutes prior.

Next day, I end up on the school playground for pick-up wearing my favorite maxi dress.  It's nothing fancy -- light grey jersey knit fabric - but it's comfortable and perfect for the 80 degree weather we were having.  It was also perfect because I had another cattle call / casting opportunity immediately after school, so I had to be photo-ready when I collected the kids from the playground.  Since I typically show up at their school in either workout clothes or ripped jeans and a cat-fur covered Jack Daniels t-shirt, my dress (and hair and make-up) caused some confusion among the adults on the playground. 

I must be a real fucking troll when I'm not primped. 

Anyway, I got the kids, responded to a few comments about the fancy threads, did what I needed to do and three hours later, was enjoying Friday-night dinner with the family when Little Guy says this to me: "My friend, The Bosnian Girl, saw you in that dress today." 

"And?" I asked.

Then he told me. Little Guy told me what his friend said.

Bitch said I looked like a Grandma.

"She said WHAT?" I yelled at Little Guy. "She said WHAT?"

Michael Caine wants his look back, kid.
The day before I had a 19-year old boy practically ask me to hang out* with him in his parent's basement and today, I'm getting insulted by a 7-year old Bosnian in glasses that make her look like Michael Caine? That little tart has been checking me out every day since school started this year: she looks me up and down with those damn edgy glasses right before she says good-bye to Little Guy. I know she's the one that is sending home pictures of suns and hearts and flowers in Little Guy's backpack. I know she wants my sweet little baby to be her boyfriend. It'll never happen, tramp. He deserves a girl of swarthy Italian lineage who is blessed with perfect vision and has the good sense to not carry a Justin Beiber backpack. 

That Beiber backpack is so pedestrian. 

Husband attempted to calm the room (or, me, because I'm really the only one that is freaking out) by suggesting that Bosnia could be crawling with hot grandmas.  

What are the chances of that?

I'll be hanging on the monkey bars in these, kid.
I've got a full plate today, and tomorrow is Mother's Day. But in between laundry and cleaning the bathroom and marketing, you can rest assured that I'm planning out Monday's outfit. 

Do all the hot Bosnian grandma's wear 4.5" stilettos? 

It's doubtful.

 * 'Hang out' is code for 'screw'.  I'm not sure he wanted to screw.  I'm embellishing, a bit.

Stiletto Photo Credit: violetz_85 via photo pin cc

Beach Babes Photo Credit: Jacrews7 via photo pin cc


  1. Replies
    1. Thank you! She better not start crap with me on Monday, tho...

  2. I mentioned my birthday coming up the other day, and a new-ish co-worker asked if I was turning 30.

    Made my day.

    One of the girls in my youngest's kindergarten class walked up to him the other day and tried to give him something over and over. When he kept saying no, she turned to the Wife and said "Can you give this to him later?" and handed her a slip of paper.

    It was her phone number.

    In Kindergarten.

    I'm both proud and scared.

  3. wish more "grammas" had gams like that! meow!!!